Anything but Love
by Danybel-Haine
Summary: The darkest corners of my mind are yours, that's where you live, That's where you breath. You could give me anything but love. WARNINGS: This story contains rape not graphic , cruelty, masochism, and a very low self-esteem from the narrator. Yaoi


Anything but Love

**I was singing a song I really like a little while ago and decided to make this story.**

**First time in my short life I write something in second person and I actually liked to do it like this. Guess it all depends on what is being written.**

**I didn't choose the person who is narrating the story until the very end, because, after reading it for a second time, I realized the narrator is somewhat like Kimimaro or Sasuke... So guess who "you" is xD. **

**Also, this is the first fic I write I English and purely in English, so if you find mistakes or thing that don't make any sense just tell me and I'll fix it.**

**WARNINGS:**** This story contains rape, cruelty, masochism, and a very low self-esteem from the narrator.**

_**Anything but Love**_

Doesn't matter how many times I try; I can never leave you.

I love you too much to not care.

You are my conscious, my angel and my demon; you are my voice of reason. You are my whole life, soul, heart, whatever you call it, that's what you are.

I try to cover up the scratches and the black swollen bruises that cover me all over and those cuts that burn, that never stop bleeding, that get infected due to my carelessness.

I love you more than anything else.

But you don't love me back.

I see you enter the room and cover my pale body with the little clothes I have. I notice right away your drunken state and your dilated pupils. I realize that I have to give myself to you, because you're not going to let me get away from it.

You take me by the wrist and pull me hair, making a soft moan escape my lips. I hear your laugh and see your teeth showing in a sadistic smile. You tell me to look at you; your eyes. I can't get myself to do it, but you force me.

Another moan flee me again. I feel your hand striking against my face. I taste the blood in my mouth, and smile.

I smile to look at you.

You groan and let me fall. My face completely pasted to the floor and my hair covering my vision.

I hear your steps, fading, elsewhere –the faint sound of a door being open, or a can maybe- but nothing gives me the strength to get up. I want to run away, to abandon you and never look back.

But I can't.

I realize you're back here, next to me, kneeling down. Your hand running trough my thighs, slightly uncovered. Your voice soothes me as you tell me to relax, to look at you. I turn my head and see your face, with a small and caring smile, your other hand in my hair, caressing me, as if you actually cared.

Your lips come to my forehead and kiss it. You say in a soft voice that you love me; that you need me; that you live for me. I tell you you're all I need and love and you say you don't believe me.

You say I never show you how much I love you.

So you take my hair in a fist and yank it strongly, whimpers fly from my mouth and the tears cover my eyes. You start to kiss me roughly and you bite my bottom lip and make it bleed.

You take me by my right wrist, still holding my hair, and pull me up, dragging me to the closest quilted accessory in the room: The sofa.

You throw me to it and you tear apart my shirt, biting my chest, making me moan in pain, while your hand moves around my body, pinching all those parts of it which are still with it's natural color. You leave more marks; more bruises all around, while your hand pulls my hair and my head it's forced to move back.

You take my pants, ripping them apart, and my underwear is taken off with rage, as if it was the reason why you treat me like this. You kiss me wildly, and I enjoy the kiss, while your hand goes to my organ and starts to jerk me, making me moan as your teeth bury themselves in my neck, the blood running free, the itch and irritation overruling me.

I feel you force your way into me, my hands clasped together -for you tied them and I never noticed- my wrist burning with the leather of the belt that holds them. My back hurts and my legs go numb and my voice is heard.

Your hand crashes onto my face, blood starting to flow from the cut made by my own teeth with the blow. Your rough and hurried thrusts making me whole body ache. My tears flow and flow from my eyes, mixing in my face with the blood.

I feel you release inside of me, and as I gasp and moan my own comes forth.

I never liked pain until I met you.

I wished I were somewhere else, somewhere far, far away from you. Where my only reason to live won't be the only reason I have to die. I see you fixing your pants and your lips moving but I hear nothing.

My mind is shutting down, my whole world disappearing and only you stay in it. There's nothing around me, only you, me and this sofa. I close my eyes and hear my own labored breath in my ears. I feel the coldness my tears leave in my skin. I feel the blood drying, making my skin itchy. I feel how dirty I really am and then, everything fades.

I opened my eyes in surprise. You had splashed me with a cold liquid. My cuts started to burn and it was then when I noticed: you had covered me with rubbing alcohol. You tell me to move, to get out of the couch, that you want to sit down and read something.

I obey.

I always do you what you say.

You sit down in complete silence, only your breathing hearable. I go to the other side of the room and take some clothes out of the closet. I feel your yes on me, inspecting me, waiting for a mistake of some sort. I'm about to go to the bathroom when you call me.

I leave everything in the sink and go to your side, covered with my raggedy clothes. You tell me to sit on you lap and I do so. You caress me, you smile and say that you love me and that everything is my fault. You tell me that I asked for all the things you do to me, that it's my own and only defect: you say I don't love you the way you love me.

I smile and tell you, in the softest voice I have, that all of me belongs to you, that my heart and soul are tied to you, that my mind's only occupant is you.

But you don't believe it.

You say I'm a whore, a prostitute. You say that any man can satisfy me. You say that I'm with you because you're the only one who always cared for me. You say that you're only with me because I have nowhere else to go.

I keep quiet.

I swallow my tears and hug you.

You laugh in my ear and hug me tightly, hurting me by doing so, making the bruises ache and the cuts burn.

You let me go and I go to take a shower. The cold water hurts me, but it relaxes me. This is some sort of sick satisfaction, the relationship we share –if it can be called that. I love you and you claim to love me, and the only thing I feel coming from you, every night and every day, is pain. I love you and I don't care about anything else. I just want to be happy, and, as strange and unnatural as it seams, I only feel happiness when I'm with you.

You fucked me up. In all sense of the phrase. You have messed up my body, my mind, my heart, everything. You make me feel naked and insecure and repulsive. I disgust myself, and everything I find myself thinking of you, I hate me even more.

How can I hate myself with the same passion I love you?

I feel the tears going down and I can't hold myself anymore.

I want to get away from all this; from you, from the pain, from myself.

Don't you notice?? I only speak, think and dream about you. There's nothing else important (or painful) enough to occupy myself with. Shit, I'm beginning to want that pain you inflict me. I want you to hurt me with you words, with your hands, with your lips, with anything you have. I want you to notice only me.

I have no faith anymore. I can't believe that something- or someone- will take me away and make me forget you, make me erase you from my mind, make me expel you from my heart. The light of hope doesn't shine on me anymore.

I get out of the shower, because you call me. You tell me you had found a way to make me stay alive. A way for me to survive this horrible sickness that has been eating me since I can remember. A way for me to stay by your side and serve you. A way for me to be useful to you again.

I say nothing, just nod, and sit across from you while you read, with emotion in your voice, your plan. You condemn me to live, to stay with you forever, to give you my body silently, without complains. You tell me I have to listen to your instructions and do what I'm told. You tell me the only way I can survive is by doing what you tell me to do.

I understand it now. I don't care what you do to me, what you do with me, what you plan on doing, I will always follow. I will always do what you wish.

I let out a sigh and I smile.

I'm going to die and you want to save me.

I'm going to escape and you want to retain me.

I'm going to forget you and you want me to remember.

Now I know what you do for me, what you make me, what you give me.

You can kill and blackmail for me, you can laugh and lie for me, you can do anything in the world to please me, even if it hurts. You know what to do in order for me to love you more every day.

You can make me stronger, you can make me smarter, you can make me into anything you want. You can make me die and come back to life every night.

You can give me a life, a house, clothes, food, sex, anything I want. Except for one thing, one little, insignificant thing I always wanted.

You can give me anything but love.

So I smile and listen to your every word, sitting in your lap, weightless for you, as you tell me what I'm going to do next, how I'm going to do it and with who.

You tell me I'm your most important person, that I'm indispensable for you and that you'll always take good care of me.

And I believe every venomous word that comes out of your mouth.

And I know I'll die loving you and that you'll use me and mistreat me.

And I know I can't stop you or run away.

I know I'll always stay.

And I know my last words will be your name.

_**Fin**_

**So, it's done. The song this story is based on is ****S.O.S (Anything but love)**** By ****Apocalyptica Ft. Cristina Scabbia of Lacuna Coil****. **

**Hope you liked it and you know what to do next: Review!!**

**Danybel.**


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